How much damage can be caused by a slight calibration error in a projectile weapon? What if the calibration is application of Scripture to life, and that projectile weapon is the well-being of your son or daughter? I hurt for the agony of my friends. I grieve for the despair of the parents who look on as things begin to crumble and wonder what they did wrong when all they ever sought was God's will in their families. My heart breaks for them ... but it bleeds for those sons and daughters whose lives will be scarred by this unintentional torture lovingly administered by their own parents.
Recently a friend pointed me to the Quivering Daughters blog (look through their FAQ to get a general idea of the blog's aim). It is in some ways relieving and in other ways more painful to realize that these few lives I've touched personally are not alone in their sorrow. It's staggering — grievous — depressing! — to see how widely these ideas and practices reach, and how thoroughly devastating misguided love can be. O Lord, the things done in Your name! — and by people whose motives are pure!
I'm glad God knows what He's doing with our lives, because this confusion leaves me reeling.
By the way, please don't ask me to whom this article might refer. I have some specific people in mind, but the truths here are general. If you think they might apply to you, they might. If they don't, they don't. My intent is not to point fingers, but to raise awareness of these situations and of this wonderful resource — and perhaps to raise a few eyebrows as well.
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Hi Scottie. I don't remember how I first stumbled upon your blog, but this is my first visit in a while and I'm happy to see that you've linked to the Quivering Daughters blog. It's so good. Hillary's a thoughtful and compassionate person, but she also speaks some hard truths about the Quiverfull movement.
My husband and I homeschooled our kids, and we love, love, love the friends that we made during those years. That will never change. We're just concerned about some of the extreme teachings that have crept into homeschooling circles. It seems that you share our concerns. Thanks for the good post.
Meg
Hi, Meg, good to have you here. My parents homeschooled me all the way through high school, and are still homeschooling those of my eight siblings who haven't yet graduated. I don't think their methods were perfect, but neither would I wish for any upbringing different from what I had. As I said in the post, I am seeing more and more how extraordinarily blessed I am to have such parents.
The problem is not homeschooling. It's not conservatism. It's certainly not Christianity. Though these "quivering" families have most or all of these aspects in common, I think the root problem is one that all humans have in common — our sinful natures. Sin can take anything that God created as good, and twist it to evil or destruction.
The most wrenching thing, I think, about these families, is that the parents are doing their absolute best before God to follow His word as exactly as they know how. So how can such a good effort lead to such damaging results? It may be one of those mysteries I'll never understand until Eternity, but praise God He knows what He's doing, and every single member of these families is specifically under His loving care, and He will ultimately work all things together for good for His children. :-)
Hi Scottie,
Thank you for your thoughts. But, keep in mind that, while Hillary's motives may be good, some of what she promotes nullifies true abuse.
For instance, it is not abuse for a (large or small) family to work hard serving one another. Yes, when there are many little ones everyone has to work a little harder to make sure everything gets done to the glory of God. But that is the Christian call.
In addition, the lack of frequent “one on one” time with parents is not abuse. Providentially, it may be where God has a busy family for a season. But in our individualistic society, we too often think “we” should be the center of attention. And if we aren’t, there is something drastically “wrong.”
I was raised in a home with only one sister (my youngest sister was born about the time I was ready to move out). I can tell you for a fact that all ten of my (homeschooled) children receive much MORE attention and nurturing than either my sister or I did – and my parents did the very best they could (we were public schooled and my mom worked).
My point is that there is abuse in all sorts of Christian homes. You did well to point at that the problem is SIN! But I take issue with pointing out one specific group and implying that their lifestyle is the cause – when it is clearly not the case. And I do believe that is what QD has done, regardless of what her "disclaimer" states.
Perhaps the young author of that website/book should take a step back and heal from her own past before she provides biased counsel to multiple young girls. Just a thought.
Thanks again for hearing me out.
Hi, Stacy, thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
I do not intend, and I know that Hillary does not intend, to point to a specific lifestyle and say "that is abusive" (or even "that tends to be abusive"). Her intent is to reach out to the people within that lifestyle who are, in fact, being abused (and there are many; I have several close personal friends who have suffered or are suffering this type of abuse).
I agree with you that "additional responsibility", "less one-on-one time than might be desired", and similar unpleasantries are not, in themselves, abuse. I'm sure Hillary would agree as well.
What IS abuse is for parents to deliberately withhold any sort of affection or demonstration of love for their children unless those children "behave". What IS abuse is for parents to place more responsibility on the eleven-, twelve-, even fourteen-year-old daughter than even the mother has. What IS abuse is for parents to draw out cultural references from the Bible and insist that anyone who lives a different lifestyle from theirs is going to hell. What IS abuse is for parents to tell their adult children that if they move out from under the family's roof, they can be assured of their damnation and will be utterly cut off from any communication with the family until they "repent".
These and many, many other things ARE abusive and ARE happening and ARE going completely unnoticed by much of the world, even by much of the patriarchal Christian homeschooled community within and by name of which framework much of this abuse is perpetuated.
If you will read Hillary's works more carefully, she is consistently careful to point out that not all Christians, homeschoolers, or even patriarchal families have these problems — and that emotional and spiritual abuse are, in fact, rampant in many other areas. Her attitude and the entire focus of her work is NOT to judge or condemn the abusers, but to reach out with compassion and healing to the abused.
And this preference of grace over judgment might also be useful to judgmental critics who suggest that she "get over her own pain and bias" before trying to reach out to others.
Hi Scottie,
If you are calling me a "judgmental critic" you are very much missing my point.
And though you used quotations marks, I never said, or even suggested, that Hillary "get over" her pain and bias. I only pointed out that healing should come first, so that she can think clearly and without the emotional baggage that may be causing her to pass judgment on so many. That seems to me to be common sense.
I apologize for the harsh tone of my last paragraph. It was inappropriate and I daresay hypocritical. I also apologize for using quotes in a paraphrase. I do not wish to cause offense or stir up animosity, and I regret that my hasty words may have done just that.
No offense taken, Scottie. And I appreciate your gracious response.
Peace.
"I do not intend, and I know that Hillary does not intend, to point to a specific lifestyle and say "that is abusive" (or even "that tends to be abusive")."
But, regardless of what Hillary intended to do, I believe that is exactly what she has done.
And I do believe there are other abusive homes out there besides Hillary's. The issue I have is though she claims to acknowledge that “not every patriarchal/quiverfull/large family/ stay at home daughter etc. family” is abusive, she says the very opposite of that in her message – as do her commenters.
It is very damaging (and slanderous) to the Body of Christ to make such sweeping statements. It’s like the secular media saying that “most pastors” live secret, adulterous lives because Jimmy Swaggart did – and then saying “sure, we understand there are some who don’t live this way.”
But the most dangerous thing to me is the message it sends to daughters. All children (think back to when you were a teen) have moments of discontent. I know my children struggle with this off and on. And when there is someone sitting there saying, things like “It is not okay when more is asked of you than appropriate.” What kid doesn’t think this sometimes? My son sometimes thinks it’s “inappropriate” to ask him to take out the trash! LOL Many of her words “to daughters” are baiting in this way.
Her words appeal to their flesh and many girls will eat this up. “Yeah, why don’t I have “my own” life - my own car? Maybe I AM getting ripped off here! Maybe parties and boyfriends would be fun – and I’m just brain washed about this whole courtship thing! Maybe I’ve been deceived by my parents all these years!”
Yes, Hillary seems to have a genuine heart to help others after what she herself has gone through. However, a wife exiting an abusive marriage shouldn’t immediately go on the band wagon about the evils of being a “housewife.” Her own extreme situation makes her biased.
I just received a copy of Hillary's book (haven't read it yet), and I plan to address this in more detail when I have a little more time. I'm in the midst of a busy couple of weeks, but I will get back with you when I do.
Again, thank you for being so gracious - I wish more bloggers would discuss things in love, as you have attempted to do here.
Stacy,
I have neither the time nor the desire to debate this on my blog. Inciting debate was not the intent of this post; I'm only trying to raise awareness of a situation that is real and is much more widespread than most people realize. At least half a dozen of my close friends are in or used to be in this kind of situation — believe me, it's not a rarity.
I'm not going to respond to your comment in detail, and I hope that we can simply agree to disagree on this issue, but I would like to point out three important points I'm afraid you may have overlooked.
1) Hillary explicitly and repeatedly states on her blog and at the beginning of (and throughout) her book that she is only addressing adults, NOT children or minors.
2) She did not "immediately" turn around and start speaking out — it's been eleven years since she moved out from her family, and through that time she has received counseling and done as much as she could to find healing for herself and restore her relationship with her family.
3) She has already addressed most of the issues you raised, as well as several others, both in her FAQ and in her post to an anonymous commenter who raised similar concerns.
Thank you, Stacy, for your passion for the truth and your concern for the dangers of false teachers. We may not see eye-to-eye on this or other issues, but I continue to hold you in respect. If you have further problems or disagreements with Hillary or the things she teaches, I would recommend discussing them with Hillary herself.
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